The Inner Battle Between Who You Are and Who You Think You Should Be

Melanie Rivera
May 22
2 min read

Understanding Inner Conflict Through a Humanistic Lens

By Melanie Rivera, Integrative Therapist, MBACP

Have you ever felt like different parts of you are pulling in opposite directions?

One part wants to slow down and rest.Another part is pushing you to do more, be more, achieve more. And somewhere else inside, there’s a voice whispering you’re falling short — again.

This is what Humanistic and Experiential therapists call a conflict split — an internal struggle that arises when different aspects of the self are in tension with each other.

Three Selves: A Framework for Understanding Inner Conflict

From a Person-Centred Experiential (PCE) perspective, we often observe three main parts at play:

1. The Real Self

This is your authentic core — the version of you that feels most true. It's shaped by your values, inner experiences, and emotional needs. When you're in touch with your Real Self, you feel grounded and congruent.

2. The Ideal Self

This is who you want to be — often influenced by ambition, self-improvement, and cultural messages about success or worthiness. It's not inherently bad, but when it overshadows your Real Self, it can become a source of pressure and shame.

3. The Ought Self

This part reflects your internalised “shoulds” — shaped by family, society, religion, and other external expectations. It’s tied to duty, guilt, and fear of rejection or failure. When this part is overly dominant, it can drive perfectionism, anxiety, or burnout.

What Happens When These Selves Clash?

When your Ideal or Ought Self significantly diverges from your Real Self, an internal battle begins. You may feel:

Emotionally torn or stuck
Anxious or ashamed
Hypercritical of yourself
Unworthy of rest or connection

This incongruence is painful — but it’s also an opportunity for deep therapeutic growth.

How Therapy Can Help

Person-Centred Experiential Therapy supports clients in exploring these inner configurations through dialogue, visualisation, and compassionate awareness.

Together, we:

Give each part a voice and explore where it came from
Explore unfinished emotional business (e.g., internalised parental voices or societal pressures)
Help you move toward self-acceptance and integration

By fostering congruence — the alignment between your internal world and outward life you can begin to live with greater clarity, ease, and purpose.

In Practice: Reflective Questions

Which “self” dominates your decisions lately?
Are there parts of you that feel silenced or criticised?
What would happen if your Real Self had more room to speak?

If this post resonates with you, know that inner conflict is not a flaw — it’s a sign that your inner parts need your attention and care. Healing begins when we stop fighting ourselves and start listening.

Want to explore this in a safe therapeutic space?

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